As soon as my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I started praying that God would heal her. And after 3½ months of small gains and huge setbacks, He didn’t. My mom died.
I was in shock. It all happened so fast. Every morning when I’d wake up, for half a second everything would be fine. Then as I fully awoke, the weight of the reality that my mom was gone would come crashing down, and it felt as though my chest would be crushed by the pain.
Why didn’t God heal my mom? Why?
And how could I ever go on without her?
I was so completely enveloped with physical pain when my mom died. And it didn’t leave me for a long time.
But thankfully I never felt guilty for laughing when a few happy moments would find their way into my grief. And it was because I knew that my mom would want me to be happy, and even more so because I decided—moment by moment—to place my trust in God.
I never felt remorseful about anything in my relationship with my mom. Thankfully we didn’t have any unresolved issues between us or anything like that. We were super close, and I know I was very blessed in that way.
But you know what? Let’s say I did have regrets. What if we hadn’t spoken in a long time or had ended on bad terms? Even so, all is made plain once we’re face to face with Jesus. Those who are with the Lord are full of joy and peace, completely free from any unresolved issues of this earthly life.
So my dear friend, if you’ve experienced regrets after losing a loved one, remember who you are in Christ Jesus. You are forgiven. You are loved. God doesn’t want you to punish yourself for any guilt you might be feeling. Release it to Him, because Jesus has removed all guilt at the cross.
Know your loved one who’s gone on to be with the Lord holds no grudge and now understands in full. In heaven, all is resolved.
After my mom died, the only thing that slightly tugged at my heart for half a second was something that we’d said to each other in the emergency room the last time my mom went back into the hospital.
I came and stood by her and held her hand. She said, “Are you mad at me?” Because I had such a good relationship with my mom, I answered her truthfully: “Yes.” She became tearful and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was this bad.”
We shared some tears and talked about the situation briefly, but I told her I loved her and not to worry about any of that now.
And even though we had that moment, I have no regrets. Would it have been better to lie and say, “No, I’m not mad”? Please. She was my mama, she would’ve seen straight through that anyway. And honestly, I think she felt that she needed to apologize for not taking better care of herself.
My mom never made it back home. She died under hospice care at the nursing facility not long after that.
She died even though I had prayed for her healing. I had prayed so hard. And she died anyway.
Then God brought something to my understanding. I had prayed that my mom would be completely healed and made whole. Prayer is powerful, and God is faithful to answer. And my Abba Father showed me that He had answered my prayer.
And He answered it with a 100% “Yes I will, my daughter.”
The Bible tells us in Revelation 21:4 that there is no more sickness or pain or death in heaven. My mom was healed. She was made whole.
God answered my prayer by giving me exactly what I’d asked Him for.
Praise God, my mom is now 100% whole, never to need healing again.
Woah. And wow. Our Abba Father superabounds!
Life goes on
Realizing this was incredibly healing for me, but at the same time, my mom was my best friend. How would I be able to live without her? It seemed almost like the world should’ve stopped once she departed it.
I was always extremely close to my mom my whole life. When I was very small, she was super protective of me. My biological father had abused her severely and threatened her family, including me.
He had stalked her and followed her many times, and had threatened to take me from her. He was a cruel, sick man. And my mom was determined to protect me at all costs. That meant explaining to me why it was important that I stay away from strangers and always stay right with her.
I’m so thankful to her for protecting me when I was a child. But through all that trauma, my identity somehow seemed to have become wrapped up with hers. Losing my mom and best friend was a huge blow not only to my heart, but also to my identity.
It was so hard to go on at first. I had to learn who I was apart from my mom. And I’d never really done that. I had to learn how to function without seeking her advice or opinion on so many things, and it was a huge adjustment.
What it boiled down to was this: I had to realize that my identity is in Christ Jesus alone. I’m not defined by being my mother’s daughter or my husband’s wife, and I can’t even allow myself to be defined solely by just being me. I had to understand that my complete identity is found in Jesus.
Yes, I have my own personality and characteristics, of course. In fact, God created us all that way, precious and unique. But I had to decide that I wouldn’t allow myself to be primarily defined as anything other than a redeemed, forgiven, beloved child of God. And to find my worth and value in Him alone.
I was only able to carry on without my mom because I chose—and still choose daily—to look to Jesus to sustain me. He will heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds, but only if we let Him.
When my grandpa used to reminisce about loved ones that had gone on to be with the Lord, he would always say, “Life goes on, just in a different way.” And boy was he right. When my mom died, the world didn’t stop and life went on. And I chose to trust in the Lord, praise Him no matter what, and rejoice—ALWAYS.
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