How I lost my mom, but not my joy!

Are you grieving and wondering if you’ll ever know joy again?

Losing my mom was devastating—would the sorrow ever end? If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, I truly believe this story will encourage you and give you hope that, yes, joy IS possible again!

RELATED: How to enjoy Mother’s Day without Mom 💕

My mama—my joy and best friend

I’m so thankful that my mom was my mother throughout my childhood and not my friend, because that allowed us to develop a true friendship in my adult life.

My mom was kind, gentle, and thoughtful. She sacrificed so much for me. She was caring and attentive, never belittled me, and always made me feel valued and validated, even as a very young child.

Five years ago today my mom died. On one hand, it seems so surreal to say that. I can’t believe she’s been gone for 5 years, but at the same time, it feels like an eternity. So many hugs we would have shared in the last 5 years.

My mom died just 3 months after being diagnosed with cancer. I barely had time to process the shock before it turned into an unimaginable tragedy. It all happened so fast.

Every morning when I’d wake up, for half a second everything would be fine. Then as I fully awoke, the weight of the reality that my mom was gone would come crashing down, and it felt as though my chest would be crushed by the pain.

It was so hard to process that my best friend was gone. My loving Mama. She didn’t deserve to go through that. She was so sick. She suffered so much in those 3 months. And she never recovered.

I prayed and prayed for my mom to be healed. Why didn’t God heal her? And how could I ever go on without her?

It was truly the worst, most sorrowful time in my life. And yet, 5 years after the trauma of losing my mom—someone so dear and precious to me—I can truly say that despite losing my mom, I haven’t lost my joy.

There are moments when the grief comes flooding in, and to be honest, I think it’ll always be that way, to a degree. But the grief is nowhere near the enveloping condition it was right after my mom died.

You see, I didn’t have a choice about losing my mom, but I’ve had to make the choice not to lose my joy. So if you’ve lost a precious loved one, please know that there is hope for joy for you, too!

Want a free Art Print to help you stay encouraged?

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Something’s not right

On Memorial Day of 2013, my parents and sister came over to our house to celebrate. My husband cooked out on the grill and it was a good day. I couldn’t find my mom though, she sort of disappeared.

I found her sleeping on my bed, which was so odd for her. She said she was so tired and couldn’t keep her eyes open. I also noticed she hadn’t eaten very much. I figured maybe she was just having an off day, it happens. But I had a strange knot in my stomach.

The next day, my sister and I had a bit of an intervention with Mom. She hadn’t been acting like herself, she was sleeping all the time, and barely eating. I hadn’t known that all of this was going on, but my sister still lived at home and had started to notice that something wasn’t right.

After a long conversation, I got very serious with my mom. I was always respectful to her, but boy could she be stubborn! I finally told her that I was taking her to urgent care. It was up to her whether it would be today or tomorrow, but it was happening.

When I pulled up in my vehicle to pick her up to go to urgent care, she came to the door and motioned to me to come up. I kind of laughed and wondered what she could possibly be up to now. When I got to the door, she told me she needed me to help her get down the steps and get in the car. That’s when I realized this was far worse than I could have imagined.

She wouldn’t let me go back with her to see the doctor, so I waited in that urgent care for what seemed like hours. We’d arrived kind of late in the day, but even so, the crowd was starting to thin out and I was one of the last ones there. The knot in my stomach tightened.

They sent my mom downstairs for lab work and an MRI. I had to push her in a wheelchair because she was so weak.

They made her drink one of those contrast concoctions that help things show up better on a CT scan. They kept forcing her to drink more and more until finally, her body couldn’t take it any longer.

She got violently sick. I panicked. But I kept it all inside and tried to comfort her. “It’s okay, Mommy,” I remember saying over and over as I did my best to clean her up. I’d never seen my mom like this. I knew it was bad. Very bad.

The urgent care admitted her to the hospital via phone. You know it’s not good when they just do it right over the phone.

I drove her across the street to the hospital and stayed with her until they got us up in her room. By then it was the middle of the night, and at that point, I knew I had to call my dad.

She still wouldn’t tell me what was going on even though I’m sure she knew. She got upset with me for calling my dad—her own husband—and telling him that she was sick and he needed to come up. (Like I said, very stubborn.)

It was early in the morning by the time I got home. I tossed and turned, trying to get some sleep but only waking up from nightmare after nightmare of what had happened at the urgent care.

My stomach was so wrenched with fear and panic. I’d never been so upset in my whole life. My mom was so dear to me. And I had a horrible feeling that I knew what was wrong.

Harsh reality

And I was right. My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer that had metastasized to her liver. It soon moved to her lungs and other places throughout her body.

She got a little better at first and could eat a tiny bit.

Then she almost died. Twice.

She got an infection.

The chemo was too much for her.

Her kidneys almost shut down.

She retained so much water in her legs that her skin began to tear and weep.

My aunt had to shave my mom’s head because of all the hair she’d started losing from the couple of chemo treatments she’d had. And my sweet husband shaved his head for her as a show of support.

Finally, my mom was able to go to a skilled nursing facility. She began to improve for a bit and was able to eat a lot more. She had physical therapy and was able to walk for a few paces and be more mobile.

The best part was when she was able to come home for 24 hours! My sister and I helped her make her famous tacos and homemade guacamole. It was so fun and just like old times, apart from her being in a wheelchair. I’d even ordered a special cake from our favorite bakery to celebrate my sister’s birthday.

Eventually, the nursing facility sent her home. I was so happy because I was planning to take her to all her treatments and doctors appointments and everything. I was ready to help her conquer this illness.

I talked to my supervisor at work and was able to go to part-time hours so I could take care of my mom.

But she never was able to get an appointment with the doctor that wasn’t a month or more out. And she wasn’t proactive about finding someone who could get her in sooner.

I had talked with Cancer Treatment Centers of America a couple of months before, and they said she would need to be able to physically walk into the clinic without a wheelchair or any aid. I talked to Mom because she was finally at the point where she could just barely do that.

And do you know what she said? She said one of her friends had gone there and now they were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. And I said, “BUT. SHE’S. ALIVE.”

How stubborn! And what a fear-based money mindset. Find out how I finally conquered that ridiculous attitude about money and did a 180 from that mindset by clicking here.

I started to see that my mom’s interest wasn’t necessarily in getting well but in just getting to go home.

Saying goodbye

Mom was at home for several weeks and slowly went downhill. She went back in the hospital for a while, then back to the nursing facility, and finally was put under hospice care.

For nearly two days before she died, she was unconscious with labored breathing. It’s a sad, solemn, and helpless thing to sit and wait for someone to die. But that’s what we did, because we had to. And there’s nothing else you can do.

I remember at one point everyone else had left the room and it was just Mama and me. I sat close beside her and told her through my tears, “Mommy, you know I love you so. You’re gonna get to see Jesus soon, and I’m soooo happy for you. And I know you love me so too. It’s not goodbye, for we shall surely meet again. Oh, but I’m gonna miss you though!”

A few hours later, my mom let out her last breath. For hours she was doing that agonal breathing (what a word), but I’m fairly sure that she was aware and heard us for periods of that time.

We kept waiting as her breaths were further and further apart, thinking that each would be her last. Through tears I squeezed her hand to my face and kissed it.

She had one tear stream down from each of her closed eyes. And I know that was the moment that she saw her dear Jesus.

I remember the first thing I said was, “What do we do now? She always knew what to do.” And I didn’t stop crying for weeks. I’m so especially thankful for my husband during that time. He held me and let me sob uncontrollably.

It was truly the worst, most sorrowful time in my life. My best friend was gone. My loving Mama. She didn’t deserve to go through that.

So why did she? Why did she have to die? I prayed and prayed for my mom to be healed. Why didn’t God heal her?

Why did my mom suffer?

My mom was pretty healthy. It sounds funny to say that since she died from cancer. But when the doctors first started examining her, they were shocked to find that she wasn’t on any medications even though she was over 60.

No cholesterol medicine, no blood pressure issues, nothing like that at all. It was like cancer came out of nowhere. And I guess it did.

You see, that’s just a fact of life in this world.

The Bible tells us in Genesis 3:19 that we’ll return to the ground from which we were made. And in Hebrews 9:27-28 we read that it’s appointed unto man once to die. None of us can live forever in these earthly bodies. And we know that.

But here’s something I absolutely do not want you to miss, my friend:

God does not mete out punishment for our sins in the form of sickness, for the Bible tells us that God’s wrath for sin was satisfied at Calvary, having been poured out on Jesus at the cross. And because of that, we are accepted in the Beloved. (See Ephesians 1:5-7.) God accepts us just as He’s accepted Jesus. He loves us.

And because we are accepted in Christ the Beloved, someday we’ll be at home in heaven, in the very presence of our Savior, but for now, this world is our temporary home. And this world is fallen. It’s not the original perfect place that God first created it to be.

And that’s on us. Because back in the Garden of Eden, mankind chose to reject God and embrace sin. And that’s when the curse of that sin entered the world in the form of sickness, disease, and death.

At times God may allow sickness for any number of reasons that we might not be able to fathom—sometimes for protection, for correction, sanctification, refinement, or it may be simply because we live in a sin-filled, fallen world. That said, the Lord does NOT smite us with sickness as punishment for our sins.

Always remember that God is good, God is love, God is righteous, and God is just. And because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we have been justified before God. When He sees us, He sees the sacrifice Jesus offered Him, and He is satisfied.

My mom did not seek healing

To be candid, I’ve only just truly acknowledged this fact while writing this. I think I knew it somewhere inside, but now I’m ready to admit it to myself.

My mom wasn’t actively seeking to get well. Super hard to grasp. But it was true, for whatever reason. And I can only speculate as to why. I’ll never really know, and I have to accept that.

You see, she wasn’t feeling well for a long time, but she chose to hide that from us. And she chose to do nothing about it. Part of that was her stubbornness, and her high tolerance for pain. The other part? I’m not sure.

But she was unwell for a while, and she refused to go to the doctor when she knew something was wrong. She had complained of a few things here or there, making them sound quite mild. I kept suggesting that she go to the doctor if it was still bothering her. I had no idea the extent of it.

Later on, when she had to be admitted to the hospital the second time—when things were really beginning to spiral quickly downward—she said to me, “I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

And so there you have it. She knew something was wrong and chose to ignore it. And that’s something I can’t take upon myself. She made that choice and there was nothing I could’ve done about it had I known.

If you’ve read this far, you know that my mom avoided treatment after she was allowed to return home from the nursing facility. She refused to make appointments or accept treatment that I pleaded with her to accept. And that was ultimately her choice.

I still love my mama and miss her every day, but to speak plainly, she could be a very stubborn person, and when she had made up her mind, you couldn’t sway her. I don’t know if you have anyone that stubborn in your life, but if you do, you know what I’m talking about.

And through tears, I did all I could to beg her to get the special treatment she could’ve qualified for during that particular window of time. But she refused.

And here’s something I had to realize about all of this. When we look in the Bible at the people who asked Jesus for healing, their coming to Him was the very act of faith that allowed them to be made whole.

It’s just like salvation from sin and hell. I can believe all day long in the fact that Jesus is God’s Son and He died on the cross to pay for the sins of the world. But that will not save me if I don’t personally trust in and receive it for myself.

To be made well spiritually, you must be willing to come to Christ. And it’s similarly true of physical healing—you must boldly approach the throne of grace in that time of need.

My mom did not ask for healing. She didn’t pray to be healed. She didn’t want that. I truly believe that she just wanted to go home to the Lord at that point. Her cancer was not discovered until she was very ill, and she was tired.

She talked with the Lord about all of it, and she had His peace in her spirit. She refused to seek healing, and I can’t let that steal the joy from the rest of my life.

All is resolved in heaven

I was so completely enveloped with physical pain when my mom died. And it didn’t leave me for a long time.

But thankfully I never felt guilty for laughing when a few happy moments would find their way into my grief. And it was because I knew that my mom would want me to be happy, and even more so because I decided—moment by moment—to place my trust in God.

I never felt remorseful about anything in my relationship with my mom. Thankfully, we didn’t have any unresolved issues between us or anything like that. We were super close, and I know I was very blessed in that way.

But you know what? Let’s say I did have regrets. What if we hadn’t spoken in a long time or had ended on bad terms? Even so, all is made plain once we’re face to face with Jesus. Those who are with the Lord are full of joy and peace, completely free from any unresolved issues of this earthly life.

So my dear friend, if you’ve experienced regrets after losing a loved one, remember who you are in Christ Jesus. You are forgiven. You are loved. God doesn’t want you to punish yourself for any guilt you might be feeling. Release it to Him, because Jesus has removed all guilt at the cross.

Know your loved one who’s gone on to be with the Lord holds no grudge and now understands in full. In heaven, all is resolved.

After my mom died, the only thing that slightly tugged at my heart for half a second was something that we’d said to each other in the emergency room the last time my mom went back into the hospital.

I came and stood by her and held her hand. She said, “Are you mad at me?” Because I had such a good relationship with my mom, I answered her truthfully: “Yes.” She became tearful and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

We shared some tears and talked about the situation briefly, but I told her I loved her and not to worry about any of that now.

And even though we had that moment, I have no regrets. Would it have been better to lie and say, “No, I’m not mad”? Please. She was my mama, she would’ve seen straight through that anyway. And honestly, I think she felt that she needed to apologize for not taking better care of herself.

My mom never made it back home. She died under hospice care at the nursing facility not long after that.

She died even though I had prayed for her healing. I had prayed so hard. And she died anyway. Although I trusted the Lord, I still found myself wondering, “Why, Lord??”

RELATED: A letter to my mom on her anniversary in heaven 💌

Joy found in complete healing

Then God brought something to my understanding. I had prayed that my mom would be completely healed and made whole. Prayer is powerful, and God is faithful to answer. And my Abba Father showed me that He HAD answered my prayer.

And He answered it with a 100% “Yes I will, my daughter.”

The Bible tells us in Revelation 21:4 that there is no more sickness or pain or death in heaven. My mom was healed. She was made whole.

God answered my prayer by giving me exactly what I’d asked Him for. Praise God, my mom is now 100% whole, never to need healing again!

Life goes on after loss

Realizing this was incredibly healing for me, but at the same time, my mom was my best friend. How would I be able to live without her? It seemed almost like the world should’ve stopped once she departed it.

I was always extremely close to my mom my whole life. When I was very small, she was super protective of me. My biological “father” had abused her severely and threatened her family, including me.

He had stalked her and followed her many times, and had threatened to take me from her. He was a cruel, sick man. And my mom was determined to protect me at all costs. That meant explaining to me why it was important that I stay away from strangers and always stay right with her.

I’m so thankful to her for protecting me when I was a child. But through all that trauma, my identity somehow seemed to have become wrapped up with hers. Losing my mom and best friend was a huge blow not only to my heart, but also to my identity.

It was so hard to go on at first. I had to learn who I was apart from my mom. And I’d never really done that. I had to learn how to function without seeking her advice or opinion on so many things, and it was a huge adjustment.

What it boiled down to was this: I had to realize that my identity is in Christ Jesus alone. I’m not defined by being my mother’s daughter or my husband’s wife, and I can’t even allow myself to be defined solely by just being me. I had to understand that my complete identity is found in Jesus.

Yes, I have my own personality and characteristics, of course. In fact, God created us all that way, precious and unique. But I had to decide that I wouldn’t allow myself to be primarily defined as anything other than a redeemed, forgiven, beloved child of God. And to find my worth and value in Him alone.

I was only able to carry on without my mom because I chose—and still choose daily—to look to Jesus to sustain me. He will heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds, but only if we let Him.

When my grandpa used to reminisce about loved ones that had gone on to be with the Lord, he would always say, “Life goes on, just in a different way.” And boy was he right. When my mom died, the world didn’t stop and life went on. And I chose to trust in the Lord, praise Him no matter what, and rejoice always.

Goodness can come, despite grief

But how can anything good have possibly come out of this? Friend, if you’ve experienced the recent loss of a loved one, it probably feels impossible to entertain this idea right now. Right after my mom died, I couldn’t do anything. Not really. I was barely making it through each day. But decisions had to be made, life went on, and I found myself going right along with it.

I would forget to eat. And when I realized I needed to because I felt sick and my head ached and I was shaking all over, my stomach was not in the least bit interested. My chest ached way too much. The pain of loss was so intense that I didn’t feel hunger at all. I could barely sleep. And most of my dreams were not pretty.

Grief is a reality in losing a loved one. It’s something we have to deal with, and it takes time. Please don’t expect yourself to heal immediately. Because you won’t. And that’s okay. It’s an open wound. But rest assured that if you receive God’s grace for your grieving heart, someday you will be healed. But there will be a scar. And that’s okay too.

Finding joy in a new identity

Being over a decade out from the trauma of my mom’s illness and death, I’m thankful I can say that I now have a scar. Oh, it’s a huge one, but it is a scar and not a gaping, raw wound any longer, praise God!

As I mentioned before, when my mom died, I struggled with my identity. I was so close to her and got her opinion on nearly every decision or situation that came up in my life.

Now please don’t get me wrong, my mom dying was the absolute worst, ever. If I could have her back with me—if the whole thing could be erased somehow and have never happened—I’d have her back with me quicker than a heartbeat.

But here she isn’t.

And when we lose a loved one, we have a choice. We can surrender our joy, or we can look for God’s works of goodness in the aftermath. God tells us plainly in His word that He will take every situation—even a heartbreaking, terrible one—and bring something good out of it (see Romans 8:28).

The Lord has and will continue to bring good from this tragedy. And I’m thankful that I’m able to recognize a few ways He’s doing this in my own life.

Because my mom is not here for me to run to with every little concern, I now go to God first.

That is huge, my friend. HUGE. That’s not to say I don’t discuss things with my husband or a trusted friend, but I’m not going to them for the solution.

I was way too dependent on my mom for guidance. And truth be told, I should’ve been taking a lot of it to the Lord instead.

And now that my mom isn’t here for me to seek an opinion on every little detail of my life, I’m finding out more about who I am as a person.

Instead of acting based on her feedback, I’m making my own decisions, and I’m learning that I can make them for myself. I’m also learning that so many of the small things I used to dwell on and fret about before really don’t matter. And that is freeing.

Something else the Lord has worked for good despite the circumstance is that I’ve learned some things not to do. I love my mom and can’t wait to see her again in heaven (and give her the biggest hug!), but my loving mama could be super stubborn, and I’m learning not to follow suit in that area.

Challenging yes, but I’m open to the Lord’s operation in this area of my life now. Plus, sometimes just realizing that something is an issue will win you half the battle.

Want a free Art Print to help you stay encouraged?

Grab this pretty “To everything there is a season” Art Print to encourage you and remind you of God’s presence through all circumstances—download it below!

All things work for His good and His glory

God will be glorified, no question. And I want to make sure I’m submitting to that truth regardless of the situation. That means I have to trust that God will work good out of this thing in my life, and that He’ll ultimately use it for His glory.

God deserves honor regardless of circumstance and regardless of our feelings, period. And we are entitled to nothing other than submission to Him in recognizing that His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and He. Is. In. Control. Of all things.

And you know what? God did heal my mom. Wholly. Bodily death (for the believer) provides the ultimate healing. That event is the gateway to not only heaven but also permanent healing.

And I have to admit that, even if I don’t fully understand how God will be glorified through my mom’s death, or even if I never see it here in this life, I can know with certainty that He will do it.

Beauty for ashes

Yes, I lost my mom, but not my joy, because God has removed me from that place of mourning and has given me beauty for ashes (see Isaiah 61:3).

Believe it or not, my faith has actually increased because of it. Because God has sustained me through this heartbreak.

And now that I’ve been there personally, I can help encourage others who’ve been through something hard in their lives. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, dealing with an addiction, being abandoned, or any number of other sorrowful struggles.

Since losing my mom, I’ve been more willing to share the saving news of Jesus with others. I’m not quite sure why that is. But I’m thankful for it. There is truly nothing more important in this world than knowing Jesus and making Him known.

I get asked to sing a solo in church once in a while, and my mom was in the congregation during one of those times when the song I sang was “It Is Well with My Soul.”

I looked out as I was singing and I saw my dear mama, and I wondered to myself if I would continue to be able to sing that song throughout the rest of my life, and truly mean it.

And today—even though I lost my mom—I can sing that song again, and I can truly say that by the grace of God, it is well with my soul.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well, with my soul”

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul!

If you’d like more on how to cope with the loss of your mother, check out this article from Focus on the Family.

And just in case you’ve never had anyone share with you the straight truth about who Jesus is and how you can know Him personally, or the no-holds-barred truth about what exactly happens after you die, this is for you.

Final thoughts on how I lost my mom but not my joy

I hope my testimony of love, loss, and joy in place of mourning has helped encourage you! If you’re mourning the loss of a loved one, please know that there is hope on the other side. Because through Jesus Christ, joy IS possible again!

⁴ Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
    Praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:4-5, NLT

Want a free Art Print to help you stay encouraged?

Grab this pretty “To everything there is a season” Art Print to encourage you and remind you of God’s presence through all circumstances—download it below!

Related posts about mothers and grief:

• Grace for a grieving heart ❤️‍🩹
• A letter to my mom on her anniversary in heaven 💌
• How to enjoy Mother’s Day without Mom 💗
• Embracing Grace (my testimony) 🌱
• How I beat anorexia 🎗️

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How I lost my mom, but not my joy!

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