I realized recently that there’s some really damaging information out there about sex within Christian marriage, particularly the teaching that wives must submit to their husbands, bowing to their every sexual whim. So, should you have sex with your husband if you don’t feel like it? If your husband forces himself on you, is that marital rape? I’m going to tell you what I think and why. Let’s go!
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Should You Have Sex with Your Husband if You Don’t Feel Like It?
Okay. Thereâs something that I watched this morning that made me so upset. And so sad.
I watched this video that this blogger had posted, and she was talking about depriving your husband of sex and some sort of controversy sheâd faced about whether or not she was supporting marital rape.
Now to me, those two words should never belong together. And if they do, thatâs a huge problem.
Watch the video below!
This woman went on to talk about how you should not deprive your husband sexually.
I donât disagree with that. But I believe thereâs elaboration needed on that.
But she was talking about some pretty outrageous things. Like, for instance, if you wake up in the night to your husband having sex with you, is that marital rape?
She’s condoning this and saying that we as wives are supposed to submit to our husbands and provide for their sexual needs, and that a husband forcing himself on his wife is not necessarily a wrong thing, and that being okay with it is part of being a good wife.
She went on to compare this to: Well, you know, sometimes the toilet is disgusting and it needs to be cleaned. And maybe you donât feel like it, but you have to do it. It needs to be done.
Umm, thereâs something very wrong when youâre comparing the most intimate, precious thing thatâs shared between a husband and a wifeâso intimate and so precious in the sight of Godâcomparing that to scrubbing a disgusting toilet? As if it’s some sort of cringe-worthy obligation or chore? Thatâs wrong.
And I thought, This woman⊠Itâs so sad, and itâs so upsetting to hear that from a woman whoâs proclaiming to know the Lord and to know the Bible. But I thought, Well, this is just some random woman, nobodyâs really watching her videos, or people are probably seeing this and saying, âThis is ridiculous, this is crazy!â They probably donât agree with it anyway.
So I scrolled down to the comments. And there were SO MANY comments agreeing with her, supporting her, and THANKING her for taking the position sheâs taking.
Iâm sorry. But I have to say something.
What this woman is describing? That WOULD be marital rape. If you wake up and your husband is on top of you, having sex with you, thatâs not normal behavior, let me just put that out there!
So to be extra clear in case anybodyâs wondering: Thatâs. Not. Normal.
Thatâs not what a husband should do, thatâs not normal sexual behavior within a marriage. No!
Iâm sorry. And to condone it and to say, Well, he has his sexual needsâŠ
Give me a break.
Thatâs an absolutely ridiculous excuse. To say that is to lower a husband, a man of God, down to the position of a little boy. You can control yourself, Iâm so sorry.
Okay, obviously this has really upset me. I have to laugh because itâs so ludicrous (and to keep from crying), but itâs obviously a real problem out there that needs to be addressed.
And to have people going around instructing other women that this is okay and this is what being a wife is? No.
So let me just speak to you if youâre experiencing something like this:
You are not supposed to be experiencing that!
No, it is NOT normal. It is NOT okay. If that’s what you’re experiencing, and you’re feeling that your husband is taking advantage of you in that way, you’re absolutely right, he is.
That’s not a normal thing that a wife should have to submit to. And yes, it constitutes marital rape.

What does the Bible say about having sex when you don’t feel like it?
Okay, so letâs just look at some of the verses in the Bible that deal with this. I got my handy-dandy Where to Find It in the Bible topical reference. Very easy to use to look up stuff like this.
I just looked up “sexâ and I found the word âsexual.â So thereâs a list of all kinds of sexual topics you can find in the Bible. So I looked up a few of these references, and then I also just looked up the word âhusbandâ as well.
1 Corinthians 7:3-6 | Deprivation and mutual consent
So weâll start with 1 Corinthians 7:3-6:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and likewise the wife to her husband.
For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the wife [has her rights].
Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.
But I am saying this more as a matter of permission and concession, not as a command or regulation. | 1 Corinthians 7:3-6, AMPC
Okay, so letâs talk about this. Obviously, what strikes me is this: âThe husband must fulfill his marital duty to his wife with goodwill and kindness, and likewise the wife to her husband.â
So letâs look at that. If your husband is waking you up in the nightânot to say, âHey I really wanna be with you, I have a desire to be with you,â or however, you know, a romantic way or something like thatâbut if you just wake up and heâs on top of you, or inside of you (sorry to be a little graphic, but apparently this is where we need to go), thatâs not right.
And would that constitute acting toward his wife in goodwill and kindness?
I shouldnât even have to answer that.
NO.
No! That is not acting with goodwill and kindness.
âThe wife does not have exclusive authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her.â
Not âdominates over her,â or âdemands sex at all hours of the night.â Not âclimbs on top of her and starts having sex without saying a word to her while sheâs asleep.â
That doesnât line up with the scripture here.
âDo not deprive each otherââokay, thatâs a huge thing. The woman in the video I was watching was talking about how as wives we shouldn’t deprive our husbands sexually.
Thatâs a completely different context than what the Bible is saying here when itâs talking about this: âDo not deprive each other of marital rights, except by mutual consent for a time so that you may devote yourself to prayer.â
Okay, for a woman to say, âYa know, I donât feel like it…â That was the whole premise of this bloggerâs video: should you have to have sex with your husband when you donât feel like it?
Well to say, âYou know, I donât feel like it right now,â you donât have to be rude or demeaning, you can explain to him: âYou know what, can we do it another time?â or whatever your particular situation is, and it can be done in a loving, understanding way.
Now if youâre physically exhausted, itâs ridiculous for him to expect you to do that when youâve had the longest, most tiring day. Or if you literally have a headacheâyeah thatâs a thing sometimesâor if youâre sick, if you donât feel good…
…or, letâs say, you just donât want to.
Is it wrong to say, âYou know, Iâm really not feeling like it right nowâ? Not. At. All.
But hey, it might be something that you would decide to do anyway, knowing your husband and his intentions and his attitude, and knowing that you will get in the mood once you start. However, thatâs up to you, thatâs a personal decision, and saying either yes or no can both be right.
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But that example that that particular blogger used… is that rape? Yes. Thatâs rape when heâs climbing on top of you in the night and having sex with you without your permission.
It doesnât matter that heâs your husband. Itâs not right.
And the verse about depriving one another? It says, âso you can devote yourselves to prayerâ and âperhaps by mutual consentâ to separate in that way for a time.
So itâs not talking about just one time here or there when you say, âYou know what, Iâm sorry, I just donât feel like it,” or “I feel exhausted,â or whatever it may be.
That’s not what this is talking about. This is talking about mutually consenting to separate for a time in that way so you can devote yourself to prayer.
Saying you donât feel like it here or there? Thatâs not what this is talking about. So we have to be careful to look at what it actually means and ask ourselves: what is it saying?
You canât just take a word out of a verse and just run with it. You have to look at the whole context, you have to look at the original meaning, you have to look at the spirit of the scripture.
Ephesians 5:24-25 | Sexual submission?
Okay, now letâs look at Ephesians 5:24-25. A very well-known verse and one that’s often misunderstood, I think, and misused—often out of context. Here we have the verses about wives submitting to husbands:
As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her | Ephesians 5:24-25, AMPC
So, using this verse, we have to see that such behavior of a husband just coming upon his wife in the night, having sex with her and thatâs how sheâs waking up in the middle of the night⊠That would not be a loving behavior towards your wife.
That would not be with a loving attitude toward your wife. As the scripture commands husbands here: âseek the highest good for your wife, surround her with a caring, unselfish love.â
Obviously that behavior doesnât line up. So we have to go with what scripture says. Is that a loving thing for a husband to do? No.
Watch the video below!
Hebrews 13:4 | The marriage bed
Alright, moving on. Hebrews 13:4:
Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous. | Hebrews 13:4, AMPC
Okay, so we look at this and we think about people who are fornicators, people that are adulterous, any kind of perverse thing in that way.
But you know what it says right here? It says any:
âThe marriage bed should remain undefiled by immorality or any sexual sin.â
Okay, so is it moral for a husband to behave in that way toward his wife? Nope.
So, the marriage bed is something so precious, and something thatâwell let’s look at it this wayâsex is meant for married people for a reason. Itâs something precious, itâs something tender, itâs something very intimate. And itâs participatory, meaning both people should be involved and consenting.
Not depriving your husband doesn’t refer to a time here or there when you don’t feel like it. It refers to rejecting him. Declining in a demeaning way, or rejecting him every time. And it can be pushing him away sexually, or in other ways tooâdepriving him of a sexual relationship, or an emotional relationship, whatever it may be.
But depriving your husband is not explaining to him and saying, âYou know what, I feel bad todayâ or âI just really donât feel like it, Iâm stressedâ or whatever it is.
And!
Let me just add that whenever a wife is feeling that way, that would be a great opportunity for the husband to take some of the stress off of his wife. In which case she would probably be more in the mood. Just sayin’.
Sex with your husband vs. condoning marital rape
Okay, so this topicâI just had to address this. Iâm still so worked up about it. Because itâs so disheartening to me to know that people are not only condoning this, but teaching it. I don’t know how many times I can keep repeating myself, but apparently, it’s necessary: Itâs not right.
It is NOT right.
So as weâve looked at the word of God in 1 Corinthians, in Ephesians, in Hebrews, we can plainly see that the husband is to love his wife, and the wife is to love her husband. Submitting to the husband as the Bible refers to? That’s a completely different context and would be a whole other post. Because thatâs not what the verses we just looked at are talking about.
âYou must bow to your husbandâs every sexual whim in the middle of the nightâ? No. Sorry. You have rights over your bodies, ladies, you do.
Your body is not completely your husbandâs, as we just read. It says they are to SHARE their bodies. Their bodies are not theirs alone, the husband and wife share one anotherâs bodies in a loving way, not in a demanding, authoritative, domineering way.
So, should you have sex with your husband if you don’t feel like it?
No, you do NOT have to submit yourself sexually to your husband if you aren’t in the mood. And if he forces himself on you, that is rape, and it is wrong! You don’t have to abide it, it doesn’t matter that he’s your husband. That only makes it a more appalling violation.
God’s law does not require you to bow to your husband’s every sexual whimâpraise Him!
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