I realized recently that there’s some really damaging information out there about sex within Christian marriage, particularly the teaching that wives must submit to their husbands, bowing to their every sexual whim. So, should you have sex with your husband if you don’t feel like it? If your husband forces himself on you, is that marital rape? I’m going to tell you what I think and why. Let’s go!
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Should You Have Sex with Your Husband if You Don’t Feel Like It?
Okay. There’s something that I watched this morning that made me so upset. And so sad.
I watched this video that this blogger had posted, and she was talking about depriving your husband of sex and some sort of controversy she’d faced about whether or not she was supporting marital rape.
Now to me, those two words should never belong together. And if they do, that’s a huge problem.
This woman went on to talk about how you should not deprive your husband sexually.
I don’t disagree with that. But I believe there’s elaboration needed on that.
But she was talking about some pretty outrageous things. Like, for instance, if you wake up in the night to your husband having sex with you, is that marital rape?
She’s condoning this and saying that we as wives are supposed to submit to our husbands and provide for their sexual needs, and that a husband forcing himself on his wife is not necessarily a wrong thing, and that being okay with it is part of being a good wife.
She went on to compare this to: Well, you know, sometimes the toilet is disgusting and it needs to be cleaned. And maybe you don’t feel like it, but you have to do it. It needs to be done.
Umm, there’s something very wrong when you’re comparing the most intimate, precious thing that’s shared between a husband and a wife—so intimate and so precious in the sight of God—comparing that to scrubbing a disgusting toilet? As if it’s some sort of cringe-worthy obligation or chore? That’s wrong.
And I thought, This woman… It’s so sad, and it’s so upsetting to hear that from a woman who’s proclaiming to know the Lord and to know the Bible. But I thought, Well, this is just some random woman, nobody’s really watching her videos, or people are probably seeing this and saying, “This is ridiculous, this is crazy!” They probably don’t agree with it anyway.
So I scrolled down to the comments. And there were SO MANY comments agreeing with her, supporting her, and THANKING her for taking the position she’s taking.
I’m sorry. But I have to say something.
What this woman is describing? That WOULD be marital rape. If you wake up and your husband is on top of you, having sex with you, that’s not normal behavior, let me just put that out there!
So to be extra clear in case anybody’s wondering: That’s. Not. Normal.
That’s not what a husband should do, that’s not normal sexual behavior within a marriage. No!
I’m sorry. And to condone it and to say, Well, he has his sexual needs…
Give me a break.
That’s an absolutely ridiculous excuse. To say that is to lower a husband, a man of God, down to the position of a little boy. You can control yourself, I’m so sorry.
Okay, obviously this has really upset me. I have to laugh because it’s so ludicrous (and to keep from crying), but it’s obviously a real problem out there that needs to be addressed.
And to have people going around instructing other women that this is okay and this is what being a wife is? No.
So let me just speak to you if you’re experiencing something like this:
You are not supposed to be experiencing that!
No, it is NOT normal. It is NOT okay. If that’s what you’re experiencing, and you’re feeling that your husband is taking advantage of you in that way, you’re absolutely right, he is.
That’s not a normal thing that a wife should have to submit to. And yes, it constitutes marital rape.
What does the Bible say about having sex when you don’t feel like it?
Okay, so let’s just look at some of the verses in the Bible that deal with this. I got my handy-dandy Where to Find It in the Bible topical reference. Very easy to use to look up stuff like this.
I just looked up “sex” and I found the word “sexual.” So there’s a list of all kinds of sexual topics you can find in the Bible. So I looked up a few of these references, and then I also just looked up the word “husband” as well.
1 Corinthians 7:3-6 | Deprivation and mutual consent
So we’ll start with 1 Corinthians 7:3-6:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and likewise the wife to her husband.
For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the wife [has her rights].
Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.
But I am saying this more as a matter of permission and concession, not as a command or regulation. | 1 Corinthians 7:3-6, AMPC
Okay, so let’s talk about this. Obviously, what strikes me is this: ”The husband must fulfill his marital duty to his wife with goodwill and kindness, and likewise the wife to her husband.”
So let’s look at that. If your husband is waking you up in the night—not to say, “Hey I really wanna be with you, I have a desire to be with you,” or however, you know, a romantic way or something like that—but if you just wake up and he’s on top of you, or inside of you (sorry to be a little graphic, but apparently this is where we need to go), that’s not right.
And would that constitute acting toward his wife in goodwill and kindness?
I shouldn’t even have to answer that.
NO.
No! That is not acting with goodwill and kindness.
“The wife does not have exclusive authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her.”
Not “dominates over her,” or “demands sex at all hours of the night.” Not “climbs on top of her and starts having sex without saying a word to her while she’s asleep.”
That doesn’t line up with the scripture here.
“Do not deprive each other”—okay, that’s a huge thing. The woman in the video I was watching was talking about how as wives we shouldn’t deprive our husbands sexually.
That’s a completely different context than what the Bible is saying here when it’s talking about this: “Do not deprive each other of marital rights, except by mutual consent for a time so that you may devote yourself to prayer.”
Okay, for a woman to say, “Ya know, I don’t feel like it…” That was the whole premise of this blogger’s video: should you have to have sex with your husband when you don’t feel like it?
Well to say, “You know, I don’t feel like it right now,” you don’t have to be rude or demeaning, you can explain to him: “You know what, can we do it another time?” or whatever your particular situation is, and it can be done in a loving, understanding way.
Now if you’re physically exhausted, it’s ridiculous for him to expect you to do that when you’ve had the longest, most tiring day. Or if you literally have a headache—yeah that’s a thing sometimes—or if you’re sick, if you don’t feel good…
…or, let’s say, you just don’t want to.
Is it wrong to say, “You know, I’m really not feeling like it right now”? Not. At. All.
But hey, it might be something that you would decide to do anyway, knowing your husband and his intentions and his attitude, and knowing that you will get in the mood once you start. However, that’s up to you, that’s a personal decision, and saying either yes or no can both be right.
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But that example that that particular blogger used… is that rape? Yes. That’s rape when he’s climbing on top of you in the night and having sex with you without your permission.
It doesn’t matter that he’s your husband. It’s not right.
And the verse about depriving one another? It says, “so you can devote yourselves to prayer” and “perhaps by mutual consent” to separate in that way for a time.
So it’s not talking about just one time here or there when you say, “You know what, I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like it,” or “I feel exhausted,” or whatever it may be.
That’s not what this is talking about. This is talking about mutually consenting to separate for a time in that way so you can devote yourself to prayer.
Saying you don’t feel like it here or there? That’s not what this is talking about. So we have to be careful to look at what it actually means and ask ourselves: what is it saying?
You can’t just take a word out of a verse and just run with it. You have to look at the whole context, you have to look at the original meaning, you have to look at the spirit of the scripture.
Ephesians 5:24-25 | Sexual submission?
Okay, now let’s look at Ephesians 5:24-25. A very well-known verse and one that’s often misunderstood, I think, and misused—often out of context. Here we have the verses about wives submitting to husbands:
As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her | Ephesians 5:24-25, AMPC
So, using this verse, we have to see that such behavior of a husband just coming upon his wife in the night, having sex with her and that’s how she’s waking up in the middle of the night… That would not be a loving behavior towards your wife.
That would not be with a loving attitude toward your wife. As the scripture commands husbands here: “seek the highest good for your wife, surround her with a caring, unselfish love.”
Obviously, that behavior doesn’t line up. So we have to go with what scripture says. Is that a loving thing for a husband to do? No.
Watch the video below on marital rape vs. what sex in marriage SHOULD look like:
Hebrews 13:4 | The marriage bed
Alright, moving on. Hebrews 13:4:
Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous. | Hebrews 13:4, AMPC
Okay, so we look at this and we think about people who are fornicators, people that are adulterous, any kind of perverse thing in that way.
But you know what it says right here? It says any:
“The marriage bed should remain undefiled by immorality or any sexual sin.”
Okay, so is it moral for a husband to behave in that way toward his wife? Nope.
So, the marriage bed is something so precious, and something that—well let’s look at it this way—sex is meant for married people for a reason. It’s something precious, it’s something tender, it’s something very intimate. And it’s participatory, meaning both people should be involved and consenting.
Not depriving your husband doesn’t refer to a time here or there when you don’t feel like it. It refers to rejecting him. Declining in a demeaning way, or rejecting him every time. And it can be pushing him away sexually, or in other ways too—depriving him of a sexual relationship, or an emotional relationship, whatever it may be.
But depriving your husband is not explaining to him and saying, “You know what, I feel bad today” or “I just really don’t feel like it, I’m stressed” or whatever it is.
And!
Let me just add that whenever a wife is feeling that way, that would be a great opportunity for the husband to take some of the stress off of his wife. In which case she would probably be more in the mood. Just sayin’.
Sex with your husband vs. condoning marital rape
Okay, so this topic—I just had to address this. I’m still so worked up about it. Because it’s so disheartening to me to know that people are not only condoning this, but teaching it. I don’t know how many times I can keep repeating myself, but apparently, it’s necessary: It’s not right.
It is NOT right.
So as we’ve looked at the word of God in 1 Corinthians, in Ephesians, in Hebrews, we can plainly see that the husband is to love his wife, and the wife is to love her husband. Submitting to the husband as the Bible refers to? That’s a completely different context and would be a whole other post. Because that’s not what the verses we just looked at are talking about.
“You must bow to your husband’s every sexual whim in the middle of the night”? No. Sorry. You have rights over your bodies, ladies, you do.
Your body is not completely your husband’s, as we just read. It says they are to SHARE their bodies. Their bodies are not theirs alone, the husband and wife share one another’s bodies in a loving way, not in a demanding, authoritative, domineering way.
So, should you have sex with your husband if you don’t feel like it?
No, you do NOT have to submit yourself sexually to your husband if you aren’t in the mood. And if he forces himself on you, that is rape, and it is wrong! You don’t have to abide it, it doesn’t matter that he’s your husband. That only makes it a more appalling violation.
God’s law does not require you to bow to your husband’s every sexual whim—praise Him!
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